One Night In Paradise: A Bubz/Captain Chuck Hull Fan Fiction
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One Night In Paradise: A Bubz/Captain Chuck Hull Fan Fiction

One Night In Paradise: A Bubz/Captain Chuck Hull Fan Fiction

Recently, Jackbox Games moved offices. In that move, an envelope was discovered in the back of an abandoned desk drawer, labeled “IMPORTANT AND TOP SECRET.”

Here is the transcript of the contents of the envelope. The author remains unknown….

_____

One Night In Paradise: A Bubz/Captain Chuck Hull Story

 M. Bubz hated vacations.

Watching the sailors pull up the gangway before they embarked on a two-week joke cruise made them question whether it was still too late to bail and head back to the office. Why did they let their best friend, Rue, convince them that time away from work was “good for them” and that they needed to “let loose??” 

As far as Bubz was concerned, working was the best thing in the world!! Sure, they hadn’t taken a vacation in five years and, sure, the thrill of terminating an employee just wasn’t hitting them like it used to. But they just needed to get back to the grindstone and power through! Besides, Rue was a hugely popular reality TV host. What did she know about not putting their job first?

As they were calculating if they could make the jump from the rapidly retreating gangway to the dock, they felt a hand on their shoulder. “Let’s go find our room!” Rue smiled at them knowingly, grabbed both of their bags with a wink, and started walking away. When Bubz turned back around, the dock was already shrinking out of view. No turning back now.

_____

Bubz watched a wooden doll make a goat pun on stage and groaned into their drink. How did they let Rue drag them to this? They’d insisted on staying in the bedroom, acting like they were tired and wanted to head to bed early (but secretly hoping to crunch some numbers on a spreadsheet that they’d been looking forward to). But Rue saw through them immediately, forced them to wear their best tie, and now here they were, sipping on an all-too-sweet tropical cocktail and watching a wooden doll recite the worst puns they’ve ever heard in their life.

“Is this supposed to be funny?” Bubz whispered to Rue, rolling their eyes. “Just give it a chance!” Rue hissed back.

“...and then I said, ‘that’s no goat, that’s my wife!’” 

Bubz groaned and Rue conceded, “Okay, this isn’t the best stuff I’ve ever seen, but it’s not all bad! And I hear the last act is incredible!” 

Sighing, Bubz took another drink and started to fantasize about ROIs. Annoyingly, they were pulled out of this fantasy a few minutes later when they heard Rue suddenly laughing. Bubz scoffed and prepared to go back to their thoughts when they realized the whole crowd was belly laughing.

Bubz looked to the stage and almost dropped their drink. Where once was a wooden boy was now a man. Bubz couldn’t go back to focusing on ROIs if they tried….

The comedian on stage was a silver fox with a grey beard and full captain’s regalia and he was taking command of the crowd like none of the other comedians before him. 

For the rest of the show, Bubz was laughing the loudest and longest of anyone. So much so that Bubz swore they locked eyes after one particularly hilarious joke about a sea slug. Bubz’s laugh caught in their throat as they gazed into the captain’s single black pupil. It was as though the rest of the crowd faded away, with the two of them lost in the sea of each other. 

The parrot on the captain’s shoulder squawked, breaking them both from their stupor before the captain smoothly finished the rest of his show, leaving Bubz to admire him from afar.

_____

“Who was that??” Bubz exclaimed to Rue on the walk back to their room. Rue laughed. “I thought you didn’t like the show?”

Bubz rolled their eyes. “Just tell me or I’ll go back to moping!”

Rue smiled, “Captain Chuck Hull. They say there’s no one else like him, on stage or off….”

_____

Bubz lay in bed, unable to sleep. They tried counting interns–a usual safe bet in helping them to quickly fall asleep–but their mind kept wandering back to the Captain only a few interns in.

Bubz just couldn’t shake the way he held the microphone as he told jokes. Or the way his pipe bobbed up and down when he spoke. 

He was just a master of his craft, Bubz told themself. They were just a working professional admiring another working professional performing at their best, that’s all! So what if he also had a luscious silver beard, or that he filled out a uniform in a glorious pear-shaped way??

They turned over and looked to Rue in the other bed, hoping to get her talking about the latest guy she was seeing, Ball. Or maybe get her to talk about her ex, Boll. Or the one before that, Bill. Unfortunately, Rue was softly snoring, so Bubz was on their own.

Bubz turned back to staring at the ceiling and their mind wandered. How did the captain get that hook? And what could the captain do with it….

Screw this! Bubz bolted upright in bed. They tore off their sleeping tie and put on their walking tie. If they couldn’t sleep, they might as well at least go out and try to clear their mind.

_____

The cold air was exactly what Bubz needed. What had gotten into them? This cruise had been a bad idea from the start, just as they thought. No sane person would watch someone tell jokes on international waters. It was decided. In the morning, Bubz was going to tell Rue that they were swimming back. They were done with these jokes…. they were done with temptation! They were going back to work!!!

Bubz was so engrossed in making this plan, they hardly noticed where their pipes were taking them. They looked up and found themselves on the poop deck. They also realized…. they weren’t alone.

“I was hoping to see you here,” said the captain in a gravelly voice. He leaned languidly against the railing, puffing his pipe.

“You were?”

“Every year there’s always one. What’s your name?”

Bubz swallowed, “M. Bubbles.”

Captain Chuck Hull chuckled lightly and turned to the moonlight. “Of course. I love bubbles.”

“My name is Captain Chuck Hull. But you can call me Captainthony Charles Hullard of the SS Joke Boat.”

Bubz’s breath caught in their throat. Captain Chuck Hull started to walk towards some stairs that lead down off of the poop deck. Bubz couldn’t believe it, but they started to follow.

The captain led them to a cabin underneath the poop deck.

The captain opened the door and said, “this is where I live. It’s called ‘the poop.’ That’s a real thing. You can look it up on Wikipedia.” He disappeared into the darkness of the poop, and Bubz followed behind him.

Bubz gasped at the sight of the cabin. The entire cabin was an absolute mess, with boxes of oranges and parrot feathers everywhere. In the center of the small room was a hammock, covered in rose petals. Was all this for Bubz?

The captain leaned back and watched as Bubz took it all in. They noticed a bottle of pills by the captain’s hammock labeled, “Beard Enlargement Pills.”

“Ah, that’s nothing!” The captain snatched the bottle and tossed it out the window, into the crashing waves. “Heheh, sorry about that. My parrot left those here as a joke, I have never taken such a pill in my life. I simply don’t need it. Hehe.”

The captain composed himself quickly and leaned in towards Bubz until they could feel the captain's breath on their face. It smelled of pipe tobacco and raw fish. Bubz shuddered (in a good way). “Do you consent to everything that is about to happen?” the captain asked. Bubz felt their chest grow warm. “I do.” The captain grinned. “Awesome.”

The captain leaned in and kissed Bubz tenderly. Bubz couldn’t believe this was happening! They were just an office water cooler on a cruise ship! Not some kind of lead in a romantic love story!

They both pulled back and Bubz tried to get into the hammock. It took a bit of doing, but eventually Bubz figured out the right weight distribution needed to not flip the whole thing over.

The captain then started to get in the hammock with Bubz, rocking and nearly flipping it a few times, before he made it on.

The captain and Bubz kissed and touched romantically while the hammock rocked them with the waves. Bubz was in heaven!

Bubz stopped kissing and touching as they felt the weight shift on the hammock. The captain’s red parrot landed herself near their feet and was watching them as they kissed and touched.

“Do you mind? My parrot likes to watch,” Chuck asked seductively. “I don’t mind at all,” Bubz said. “In fact, I love an audience because I love attention!!”

They went back to kissing. They did it for a really long time and it was awesome, until the captain suddenly pulled away and stared at Bubz.

“What? Why’d you stop?” Was Bubz leaking? They were suddenly embarrassed and they didn’t even know why.

“I’ve never met anyone like you, M. Bubbles.” Bubz felt tie-less as the captain stared down at them, open to him completely. “The way your water sloshes with the waves. You’re so beautiful.”

“Oh, Captainthony Charles Hullard of the SS Joke Boat! I love you!” Bubz exclaimed and then sprayed him full in the face with their hot-water spigot.

“I love you, too!” the captain yelled, opening his mouth to the hot spray!

Suddenly, red lights and alarms were going off everywhere! The captain flopped out of the hammock and pulled down a screen from the ceiling with a bunch of nautical charts and maps. In the middle of the boat’s path was a rubber duck. 

“Oh, beans!” the captain exclaimed. The whole boat came to a halt with a crash and a rubbery squeak!

“We’re going under,” the captain yelled, and tossed Bubz a life ring. Almost immediately, the entire ship took on water!

Bubz floated inside the life ring and the captain and his bird hung onto the ropes attached. The captain cleared his throat and said, “Once we get to shore, wanna try and make something more long-term work?”

“Um, actually a relationship would just get in the way of my work. You understand?”

“I’m heartbroken, but that makes total sense. I guess I’ll just go back to my ex wife, the sea.” Captainthony Charles Hullard of the SS Joke Boat let go of the ropes on Bubz’s life ring and began to slowly sink to the bottom of the ocean. He blew a kiss to Bubz who waved back, a single tear falling down their face.

After floating alone in the water for a minute, they saw a rescue boat! The boat blew its horn and before they knew it, a pair of hands were reaching down and pulling them into the boat!

“Rue!” Bubz was face-to-face with their best friend! They hugged and cried in each other’s embrace! “I’m so glad to see you, is everyone okay?”

“Yeah the entire boat followed evacuation protocols and every single person made it off of the ship, aside from you and the captain….” Rue gestured to the full rescue boat. Every single person on their joke cruise waved back at Bubz. “What happened to you? When I woke up to the alarms you weren’t in our room!”

Bubz smirked and looked down at their pipes. “Let’s just say I was kissing and touching the captain a whole lot in the poop.” Rue gasped! “But… not all romances are meant to last forever and he died.” Rue gasped!

“Did you learn how to relax a bit,” Rue asked. Bubz smiled up at them mischievously and they both laughed.

Rue and Bubz sat together in contented silence all the way home.

_____

It was hard to believe that life had to go back to normal after Bubz’s deep sea adventure. They immediately got back to work once returning to shore and almost forgot completely about their ocean tryst, as they always learned to suppress complex emotions in order to never be distracted at work. 

But sometimes when balancing spreadsheets, Bubz mind will wander to that night with the captain. They’ll remember how he’s still at the bottom of that deep, blue sea….